UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF PRECIPITATION PROTECTION

OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE FROM THE
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF PRECIPITATION PROTECTION

<<< ALERT >>>

Some of the fiercest and most deadly Antarctic winds created by temperature inversions on the high interior ice plateau
have caused many living creatures to lose their precipitation protection.

Umbrellas have been littering the southern hemisphere and oceans. They are scattered all over the globe, leaving United States Researchers and other Antartic bound inhabitants helpless.

<<< EXTREME CAUTION IS ADVISED >>>

This natural phenomenon occurs when drift snow is picked up and blown along the surface by the violent winds.

HUMANS AND ANIMALS ARE NOW VULNERABLE TO RAIN, HAIL, SLEET AND SNOW WITHOUT THEIR UMBRELLAS.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE U.S.D.O.P.P.
________________________

Since 1876, the United States Department of Precipitation Protection has promoted effective use of umbrellas to ensure better lifestyles and a more efficient response to environmental changes.

Holding steadfast to the standards and alerts placed by the founding fathers of the U.S.D.O.P.P, the Department continues to better the lives of all Americans by working in partnership with U.S. Citizens to:
– Build for the future by informing all living creatures of atmospheric changes and the effective use of umbrellas in those situations to promote lifestyle longevity;

– Keep the National Level of Emergency Response (LER) at its most effective status to ensure all living creatures have proper awareness for and safety regarding atmospheric changes and its direct relation to umbrellas;

– Keep umbrellas competitive with cutting-edge science and technology through an unrivaled information base;

The United States Department of Precipitation Protection touches the daily lives of Americans in many ways - it makes possible the utopian principles that transform our existence; it facilitates the technology that citizens use when outdoors, in varying weathers, in their daily lives; it supports the development, gathering and transmitting of information essential to the virtualization of atmospheric weather systems for the betterment of society; and it supports revolutionary doctrines for the world in which Americans live.

<<< ORANGE ALERT >>>

The D.O.P.P. Level of
Emergency Response (LER)
has Officially Reached
Orange Status.

<<< CAUTION ADVISED >>>

D.O.P.P. (LER) STATUS